What Does It Mean to Be a Gentleman?
Is the concept of a gentleman perhaps an outdated notion in today’s world? I don’t believe so. I still think there’s room for being a gentleman, albeit maybe not in the traditional sense. I also believe there’s still a certain allure to being considered as such.
Growing up in London, a city that has done much to mould the perception of what a gentleman is or should be, it was always drilled into me to say “please” and “thank you”; every single time. As the old saying goes, “manners maketh man”. It isn’t quite that simple though, there’s a little bit more to being a gentleman than simply being polite.
The definition of a gentleman has changed over time. Historically speaking, it referred to a man’s parentage, someone from a wealthy family or the gentry being considered “a gentleman”. That perception changed over the previous century to not only well-bred men, but self-made men who conducted themselves with grace, humility and decorum. With the advent of television and cinema, James Bond became a poster boy for gentlemanly conduct; the ideal of man if you will.
James Bond- The ideal gentleman?
This brings us to today; the 21st-century. What defines a gentleman in the year 2021? In a climate where women are the closest to true equality that they’ve ever been, chivalry is no longer necessary and in truth, sometimes a little patronising. We live in a society where dress codes are becoming less and less formal, negating the need to know how to tie a tie or properly polish one’s shoes. The truth is, it’s a confusing world, and it’s changing all the time.
How about chivalry sans chauvinism?
I like to consider myself a gentleman, maybe conceitedly so. I was not born in the gentry- I grew up in a 10-floor housing block in East London and I’ve worked in manual labour. These two things would have precluded me from being considered a gentleman a century-or-so ago. No, my lineage is not why I consider myself a gentleman but how I conduct myself on a day-to-day basis, by how I interact with the world around me.
The following are what I think it takes to be a 21st-century gentleman. It doesn’t mean that I believe I’m better than anyone that doesn’t conduct themselves in this way or that this is the definitive list but is simply how I like to live my life. It’s the man I want to be.
A gentleman is courteous
Basically, treat everybody how you wish to be treated. If you’re on a busy train and there is somebody who is elderly, less able to stand or pregnant, offer your seat. Hold the door open for someone to pass: not just for women but men also. If somebody is struggling with a bag and you’re able to help, offer to carry it. Small acts of kindness can go a long way. Be the change you wish to see in the world. One day, through misfortune or simply old-age, you may be the person who needs a seat or help with your bag. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone offered to help?
A gentleman makes an effort with his appearance
Jackets and ties may no longer be required in restaurants, the theatre or even the workplace but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t wear them. There’s nothing quite so empowering from being well-dressed and the confidence that comes with it. Obviously, you need to dress appropriately for the situation. A three-piece suit at a music festival is going to draw odd glances but a jacket and tie at the theatre or a nice restaurant is certainly welcome. It even marks you out as a man of distinction.
A gentleman has conviction but is open-minded
It’s good to have an opinion and you’re certainly entitled to voice it (when you’re asked for it!), but nothing marks you out as boorish more than an inability or unwillingness to see things from other points of view. Be open to new ideas, be prepared to be proved wrong and you may just learn something new about yourself in the process.
A gentleman apologises if he is wrong
No one is perfect. People make mistakes. It’s how you deal with these transgressions that display what your character is made of. If you make a mistake at work, own it. Explain what went wrong and say that you’ll aim to do better in the future. Nothing is worse than watching someone in the wrong blame everyone but themselves. Likewise, in your relationship, if you’ve made a mistake then apologise and promise to try to do better. Your partner will think much more of you for it.
A gentleman doesn’t cheat on his partner
I feel this should go without saying but sadly not. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to play the field; quite the opposite actually but make sure you are single. Being a cad is not something to be proud of and people can carry the baggage of being cheated on for years, affecting future relationships in the process.
A gentleman knows that manners maketh man
They really do. Be polite with everybody you deal with: from wait-staff to your boss. The following statement rings true: “You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him”. Very little marks you as a man of poor character than by being ill-mannered. Remember: say please and say thank you. Every single time.
A gentleman doesn’t lie
A gentleman is a man of honour and decency- you should always try to tell the truth. Don’t lie to your partner: lies have a way of unravelling and are detrimental to trust in a relationship. Likewise, if you don’t know something, don’t waffle and hope for the best but say something simple along the lines of “I don’t know right now but I’ll look it up and come back to you” or “I’m actually not well-informed enough to have an opinion on this”. Most people can’t lie and it’s obvious when they are doing so. Stick to the truth and signal yourself as a gentleman that can be trusted.
A gentleman listens more than he talks
A gentleman should be capable of asking insightful questions to move a conversation along but he should also be an attentive listener. In professional and personal settings, a good listener will be more fondly remembered than the man who dominated the conversation. People love to talk about themselves, make sure you’re listening.
And there you have it. It may seem like a rigid list but it’s quite simple really. Treat people how you’d like to be treated, or how you’d hope someone would treat your loved ones. Essentially, be a nice person. People will like you more and you’ll certainly be more respected.
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below and please let me know if you follow any of my suggestions. Do you agree with my criteria to be a gentleman? Are there any omissions that you think should be included? Drop me a message. I promise to be open-minded about your opinions. After all, I am a gentleman. At least, I like to think so.
Thanks for reading,
Terry
